Today i had a spurt of creativity, and I am thankful for that. It could be because I was supposed to be studying or maybe it was the way the sunlight was dancing in my room, inviting me to play, or maybe is just time to create again. I won’t ever know how inspiration works, but as Picasso said, “inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” I filmed bits for a video I will work on putting together tomorrow. I love making short films. I love expressing myself any which way. All the ways. I ran to change into this outfit, I am always looking for something someone would wear maybe 10 years back or so or 20, 30, who knows. I was scrambling to get ready, not really thinking, just trying to be as fast as possible because I have learned the hard way that light is moves faster than you could dream and if you blink, you might miss it entirely. Light is a tricky thing to capture, it will dance in front of you, change positions, change colors, and disappear completely in seconds. I have trained myself to be hyper aware of light. I am always looking for it, looking at it, somehow it always leads me, i don’t look for the direction North, I look for the light.
I managed to catch it this time. It was waiting for me this time, i think. Allowing it to linger on my walls, fingers, windows, face.
I realize I am forever playing dress up. Not much has changed since I was little at all, it seems. Growing up I was obsessed with playing “pretend”. I would put on all sorts of different outfits and make up plays and such. Even when I “grew out” of playing those sort of games, i still remember myself dressing up for different events in such an overdone way. And I think I am still the same. Fashion and style for me, is having fun, its expressing myself. Some days I may look like a safari ranger, or a 50s woman living in paris, or maybe an 80s woman living in London, or an 80 yr old grandpa, or some days I might look like I go to a private school, and then of course there are days that I wear more “normal” clothes like high waisted jeans and a sweater or what have you. And i think in Houston, i try to tone it down a bit because people really do just stare here.
Looking back on today and I must have looked like a crazy person throwing my clothes everywhere, running around the house, jumping on things and standing on things to get different angles, opening the door to FedEx mid-shoot with a deranged smile on my face, he chuckled at my behavior, I wonder what he thought I was possibly doing.
And then I look at Hayden, we both have had spurts of creativity today, and he too looks like a crazy person jumping from instrument to instrument with his earplugs and his headphones, turning the different knobs on his equipment, pencil in hand making notes, transcribing, always recording, speaking out loud to himself what he is doing and what he is playing and what works and what doesn’t. He too has a deranged smile on his face.
I think, people must really think we are crazy, ludicrous, that we do all of this for free, for ourselves. I mean people must really not know why we would go through so much “work” just to do it for free, or for ourselves, or for maybe only even 3 people seeing or hearing it. And sometimes I too think we are a little bit crazy, but to be honest, I love it. I would do it every single day for the rest of my life, and I intend to, but I would keep doing it for free, for myself, for 3 people if thats all it ever gets to be. There is too much thrill, and bursts of energy and ideas, too much satisfaction in chasing the sun, or the sound in your head, or the story you are brewing. Even if it all flops on my feet. It was worth it all.
I have had people ask me and sort of look at me sideways, when they ask what do i “really” do. Ah, you mean for money, I always say. To which they almost let out a, well duh. But the money bit, what we do for money, doesn’t interest me. Not really anyway. Or they will try to tell me i am just “playing”, always “playing”, never really doing anything according to their interpretation. And yes, I am playing. Creating is hard hard work, but it is still joyful playful work for me. Isn’t that the goal? I’ve worked probably every job you can imagine, it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter until this is my job, chasing sunsets. And it might never be but I am glad, and I am thankful I get to chase sunsets at all.
I leave you with some lyrics to a song I was listening to all day today, and that i have been actually off and on all year because I love the movie so much. And if that makes me “corny” or “cheesy” so be it!! Life is too short to care, to be “cool”. Live! and Feel! there is only beauty in that.
“How do you measure a year in the life?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife…..”
10 points to Gryffindor if you can guess the movie