*disclaimer: i did not reread this so there is probably a ton of mistakes/ it may not make sense.. do ur best.*
i have been living in Boston for about 3 years now? wow, 3 years… where does the time go? I still feel like I just got here.
living in a city 2,000 miles away from home is different to say the least.. especially when you didnt leave home to go to school but to be with your boyfriend. Haha, you should see some of the reactions I get when people asked me why I moved up here.. “oh, my boyfriend brought me up here” *panic ensues* Haha, some people have such little faith, no?
But yes, i moved up here for Hayden after only knowing each other for 6 months. Honestly, i didn’t think twice when he asked me to move up here with him.. im not sure why either. i feel like the natural response would be to freak out and think about it, but i was all aboard the instant he asked me. My dream was to always go to NYC, and i thought boston is close enough. Plus, my aunt lived there for a little bit and I always did want to visit her here. Funny how God works.. its really crazy. Anyway, so my time here has been interesting to say the least.
When I first moved here, it struck me that well my family and friends and chickfila was 2,000 miles away. I got over that after like a week or so, thanks to hayden, and then came the next challenge. How in the world do I make friends in a city with basically only students and i dont go to school……?!?!?! I felt like i was in kindergarten again, where you would tap on someones shoulders and ask if they wanted to be friends.. ah, the simple days. Unfortunately, society has it if i did that i would be a weird-o.
I got a job after 2 weeks of moving here, and met a friend. Her name is Julie A. She was a spunky breath of fresh air who loved jesus (although at the time was struggling with some things) I thought thank you God for sending me a friend.
Julie left that summer, and I was left alone again. Of course I had Hayden but, he also has his own life and friends and well I didnt want to seem like a total pathetic loser.
I was doing photography so that was fun, and meeting models and what not. But still, i was lonely in a city where everyone had friends chattering on the corners of streets. I tell ya, you never realize how alone you are in a city until you pass by a chatty group of girls. I was bummed to be honest. I wanted my friends back home, I didn’t want to feel alone anymore.
and i guess i didn’t realize what your family and friends hides you from. I had never been fully alone until I came to Boston. theres nothing really worse than feeling like you cant connect or talk to anyone in the city… except for your boyfriend.
I had/have awful roommates who are not my friends.
I met Anna, gosh i don’t even remember when. After Julie A. I was working on a photo shoot with her. She’s from paris, and instantly we clicked. Ah! How great it was to have a friend you can just call up, “hey wanna get lunch” or “hey wanna come over?” and just shoot the shit with. I didn’t have that up here. So we became good friends, but she also went back to Paris .. and so I was left alone again.
I met Natalie last year while working in retail.. she is from Australia and was here on a little school break. We clicked and had so much, she reminded me to just be simple and carefree.. to drink with friends and experience silly little things together like the freedom trial walk. She moved back to Australia though and here i am again.
I have a few other friends here, and by few I mean like 3. Or 2. LOL and they are fun to hangout with but, they have their set of friends here and again I am left alone. but i guess what i miss most is having people to rely on, having friends you know wont always bail on you.
At first, it really bothered me. I started to do things alone. Like walk, go on the T, explore, go shopping, go grocery shopping, get food, work, yadda yadda yadda. For me, being alone made me really uncomfortable for some reason. I guess because I was used to always having or knowing someone. In my town, I basically know everyone.. or everyones known of everyone and you really take that for granted while you have it. I know I did. i hated knowing everyone. But its not so bad, to know and see people that you’ve grown up with your [almost] entire life. (starting in 6th grade for me)
I don’t know, I think it’s just Boston because its such a small city and its literally just FILLED with schools and students and well i am neither a student nor do I go to school here so I feel a bit of an outcast, plus new englanders are just so… bleh. Flat and judgmental with only one style… and if you don’t fit that box you feel like an outcast.. or at least I did.
When I went to New York, and every time I go there still, i feel at home in the big apple. Weird huh?
I am coming up on my 23 birthday, and to be honest, i feel like a woman. I feel like an actual adult mature woman. Ha, i know that may sound silly but its kind of exciting. I pay for my own bills now, and my own rent (with help from Hayden bless him) i pay for my groceries, and clothes, and whatever else I want. I cook… delicious meals in fact, WHO KNEW!!! i always had a fear of cooking, and i cook really well!! I do my own laundry, get my own mail, deal with adult issues. I have a 9 month old baby pup who i take care of. I have an extremely adult well paying job.. and I know what i want to do with the rest of my life… sure i may not have all the details together in my life that i’m still sorting through.. but who doesn’t!! I am starting to finally become comfortable in my own skin.. little by little, day by day. I am becoming comfortable with my body, face, hair, everything. I am no longer concerned with what people think, if they stare, if they judge etc etc. It’s kind of an awesome feeling. I know i have many years ahead and I may still seem “young” to some, and maybe I am but who cares? I feel like a woman. And I think that is something that should be celebrated.
I am still alone, with my little family, but i know whats important now. i am no longer uncomfortable being alone. I know i will always have my friends and family back home and i know God will bring beautiful friends into my life at certain points in my life when i need them most. i know this is all a process and a path and that we all have our own.. and sometimes i just like to think of it all and think how beautiful it is. the imperfections and the struggles of my life are sometimes my favorite because i see what strength and beauty comes out of them.. i love growing older every day, i know for some people it scares them but for me it is so beautiful to see where i have come and how far i have come, growing is beautiful you get to see yourself and others develop and mold into the person they are going / continue to grow to be. we should cherish all ages and gladly bring the next.
here is a photo shoot i did of myself from today where i got this revelation.. i think thats why i love self portraits so much because it is a timeline of myself in different places of my life where i can physically see my growth.
“i have no way of portraying the lives of others. I portray my own.”